literature

Do Not Mourn my Uterus

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TytoDelicatula's avatar
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Literature Text

Do not mourn my uterus.

Do not mourn my lack of purpose,
because I do not fit
your ideal of what a woman should be.

Do not mourn my childless future.
Instead, mourn the countless days of the past
-wasted in agony,
because no one wants to put a thirteen year-old on birth control.

Do not mourn a broken organ,
but direct your anger at the doctors
who refuse to let a woman decide the fate
of something that only causes her pain.

Do not mourn the impossible children from my womb,
but mourn the millions outside
who wish that their mothers’ had been like me,
or that they had mothers at all.

Do not mourn my inability to accomplish
something that is not, and should not
be the only thing that makes me worthy of life.
For my books and my words are my offspring,
and the happiness of my friends
to me is more beautiful
than the laughter of any child
that I am supposed to long for.

And don’t you dare tell me that is wrong.

Do not mourn my uterus.
For I am so much more than that.
There is a significant backstory behind this piece.

To start it off, you should know that I am infertile. I suffer from a condition known as Endometriosis, which causes the uterine lining (the build-up of blood and tissue that is shed from your body when you menstruate, or eventually becomes the placenta should you become pregnant) to start to grow outside the uterus. This leads to extremely painful menstruation, as well as makes it almost impossible to conceive without surgery, and in some cases - like mine - actually impossible to carry a child to term. I first began menstruating at the age of thirteen, and within two cycles we very quickly began to realize that something was wrong. I was in ridiculous amounts of pain, and the amount of blood and clotting coming from me was beyond what a thirteen year-old should be able to hold in their uterus. 

Thus begins my long journey of doctors. I have an excellent general practitioner, but her, like many doctor's of the world, had been taught to believe that the possibility that I would not have children was more important than the fact that I was missing school, was in pain, and that I was at risk of other complications. Because of this, I was not put on birth control for almost 2 years. Birth control at the moment is the only thing that means that I do not miss a week of my life each month because I cannot leave my bed, or because I have to go to the hospital because the medication that I have available is not enough to deal with the pain. 

Now, at 18, I have realized that I do not want children, at least that I am biologically related to. Being constantly medicated is not something that I'd like to have to go through till I hit menopause, so I began to look at other options. The best route for me would be to have my uterus removed, therefore stopping everything and allowing me to live without my condition completely. Now try to convince a doctor that. 

The reactions I generally get when I tell someone I cannot have children make me extremely angry. It goes being a simple "that sucks", to the point where I realize that to many people, the fact that I will not have children makes me incapable of doing the only thing that gives me purpose in life. As a feminist, this pisses me off because men that are impotent rarely get this kind of treatment. This is even further worsened by the fact that when they learn that this doesn't upset me (even after I explain that I plan to adopt should I change my mind), I don't seem human to them. 

I've begun to realize that people's reaction to female impotence is the same as the "Save the Boobies" campaign for breast cancer. The idea that they care more about the body part than the person really applies to me, because the same as it is for breasts, the uterus is one of the only parts of me that some people seem to think is important. Accomplishments that are not children are not important simply because I apparently waste my potential.

Someday I hope that this will change. 

For tumblr folk, this is also available here: twotwentyonebeehives.tumblr.co…
© 2014 - 2024 TytoDelicatula
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CaitlinSnowLeopard's avatar

I recently learned I may have endo myself; while I'm not officially diagnosed because endo takes a *long* time to diagnose, my aunt who works in an OBGYN clinic says that my symptoms I've described seem to line up to it. I have always longed to have children, but reading this and being reminded that never having biological children doesn't make me any less of a woman was actually quite comforting. Thank you for sharing this.